This week marks the “anniversary” of when COVID hit California and lockdowns began.
Schools were shut down, people were sent to work from home, and the promise of returning in two weeks hung in the air. Those two weeks turned out to be a lie, people lost their jobs, events were cancelled, and everyone stayed home…till May at least.
I was sent home from work on March 18th, didn’t return until June, got news of being laid off in July, got rehired on a temporary status in August, and have been hanging in the balance ever since.
If you read two posts ago where I wrote a letter to myself for my college graduation, you’d see that I was excited to go back to work. While I knew I’d have to leave soon because I wanted to start somewhere that actually had to do with my degree, I still knew my current job needed me because HELLO, WE ARE IN A PANDEMIC AND PEOPLE NEED CHILDCARE SERVICES.
None of my original plans of how I wanted the summer after college graduation to go actually came to fruition. Obviously, I couldn’t take a trip with my friends somewhere to celebrate our success and I postponed my own plans of applying anywhere new for the time being because I wanted to dedicate myself to the students because of everything they were going through with the pandemic. I know that sounds like such a cliche answer, but it’s true. I’ve dedicated the past five years to them and was fine with dedicating more time than I originally planned to do because it seemed like the right thing to do.
I graduated in May thinking I had the entire world on a silver platter and I just have to say that my entire perspective on everything has turned to shit. Getting laid off and then rehired on a temporary position to a job you’ve given your everything to for the past five years of your life hurts like a bitch.
The lack of motivation I have to even look for a new job while on temporary status is nonexistent and I feel like I have nobody to talk to right now. I feel like if I express myself to people who aren’t in the same boat then they give advice on how I should just apply to new places and not worry about it, but I think they miss the part about how I have no motivation to do anything with my life post-grad.
I am stuck in this constant cycle of waking up, going to work, being miserable for 6 hours, coming home, eating, sleeping, and then waking up the next day to do the same, mundane thing all over again. It’s like that movie Groundhog Day with Bill Murray where he’s trying to wake up to a new day but keeps reliving the same day over and over again except I’m not really racing to end this repetition.
I’m sure if you were to ask anyone a year ago if they envisioned their lives to be the way they are now, no one would really have any idea that we would’ve all been in the middle of a pandemic having our mental health go to shit or at least I wouldn’t have thought that.
I don’t want to feel this way where I let the routine take over my life and I don’t find the motivation to get out of it, but it’s just weighing me down more and more as the days go on. Like I said, it’s hard to talk to people about this because it feels like they don’t understand where I’m coming from when I say I don’t have the motivation to move on because I honestly don’t. I keep telling myself “Oh, I’ll stay until things get better and I can apply somewhere I won’t have to work remotely or when I don’t have to worry about COVID,” but when will things get better? I think I keep fooling myself into thinking that the finish line is almost here when I still have miles to go in order to make myself feel better for not wanting to move on.
There’s this sense of self-pity where I feel sorry for myself for not wanting to find something that will kickstart my career because I feel like I won’t succeed. Again, it’s a feeling that constantly weighs me down and keeps me in this same cycle, but I can’t seem to find a way out. I keep telling myself to find the light at the end of the tunnel, but something stops me from even stepping out of place.
I used to thrive on routine, but now it’s become a crutch that I can’t seem to let go of. I don’t write this to get sympathy or to hear anyone say that it’ll get better. I write this because I need to get it off my chest and admit that I feel stuck which is not something that’s easy to admit because you never want to tell someone you’re unhappy with how your life has panned out currently but you also don’t want to do anything about it. I feel like it’s so contradicting feeling this way because here I am complaining about the feelings but not having the motivation to do anything about the way I’m feeling.
To anyone who’s seen me these past few months and asked me if I’m feeling okay, I’m fine I’m just mentally exhausted and drained with existing (and I don’t mean that in a way where I’m having bad thoughts…I mean that in a way where it’s literally exhausting to even exist in this world right now where every day feels like a chore).
So when I unintentionally took that long break from writing on here, it was mostly because I had nothing to write about. Our president was an idiot, the new one isn’t much better, I’m semi-laid off, I lack motivation, and I sit in my car too exhausted to even sigh sometimes so that’s really all I have going for me and it doesn’t seem like much fun to write about since I’m already living through it.
I’ve been rambling this entire time really, and while this doesn’t count as actual therapy (which I am looking into, I’m sure you were worried about that since some stuff I’ve written might be a bit concerning and a little too much information on my part), I find writing and oversharing to be healing for me so I hope I keep this up this time around.
I think after writing this and reading it through, I’m able to come to terms with some things I’ve been fighting for months now after college graduation. Coming to terms with it and actually doing something about it are two different things though, so I can’t really offer any happy update about what I will be doing in the upcoming future about these feelings and thoughts.
If you read this, if you got this far, or if you’re feeling this, you don’t have to feel obligated to message me but just know I’m thanking you for reading and getting this far. I might be forcing you to confront something you’ve been dreading to face, but at least you took the time to read this and I appreciate it.